WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN?
(HOROSCOPES FOR SOUTHERNERS)
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It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. Like the picture to the left: Do you see the horse AND the frog? You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty
of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface
of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of
everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you
had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry
you, so don't worry about it.
Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a
cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and
"round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can
get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This
might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency
to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about -it" attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead.
This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work
for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your
problems actually running you over.
May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.
You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have
very,very good heads.
Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those
around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and
baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are
Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save
yourself a lot of heartache.
Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy
people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface
of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though,
so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to
go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If
you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you
Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately,
those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that
your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably
affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a
certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be
sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the
vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can
sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do
with Moon Pies.
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,
fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned
with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything
about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and
behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but
Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.